I sit here this morning, looking out my window down onto the front walk of our house. It is gray now, but should be sunny for a time this afternoon.
I spent earlier hours reading and replying to an old friend, which is time I treasure, and now contemplate what to say to you, my daughter …
I am not at my Journey’s End, no matter how contrary to that idea my words and life may feel, and seem; I have merely found a warm and safe place to land at the end of hard day’s sojourn.
For every dream come true, every wrong made right, every longing made reality – there is a deeper meaning and truth to discover and explore; the circle never really ends.
You say love plays no role in your feelings for Him, yet he is your moon and your stars – your world and your being. Is this not a kind of love? Is it not an emotional entanglement you cherish?
I sensed, in what now feels like another lifetime, that a connection to your partner is necessary for complete fulfillment; do not fear love, ever – in whatever form it takes.
Knowing, and being known, is sweet torment, and unavoidable in these relationships. We are intuitive by nature, and we live and feel instinctively; you cannot hide from Him, it is pointless to try.
And you ask if I have hidden anything of myself in a gilded box, safe from the eyes of the world …
The answer is a resounding, yes; I did this Once Upon A Time
But hiding from him was impossible from our very first, hello — now more than thirty years ago.
He terrified me, made me feel things no other man on earth had ever made me feel — desire I longed to know, but dared not entertain or pursue.
I ran, retreated into myself – there I locked the beautiful box and purposely misplaced the key.
Do not hide from anyone, most especially from yourself – the result is always painful, and the path is paved with regret.
And seeing through needn’t cloud feelings of adoration, we are all flawed and imperfect. Love is, in part, seeing someone’s darkness and forgiving – whether that love is for your father, or for Him.
You say you do not know why you respond to Him as you do, but we can become burdened with whys … I questioned endlessly – it drove me to lengths I do not wish for you, and still I cannot explain my why in an exact way. In the end you will come to accept what is, and sometimes this is all we can hope for.
Learn to enjoy the moment, the here and now
And, above all …
be true to who you are.