In the midst of the worst emotional pain I had ever known, Paul and I took a Mediterranean cruise – this in hopes of reconnecting and repairing the damage my affair had caused to our marriage …
Much had happened between us, things I haven’t addressed here, and I was fearful and distant as we sat on the beach in Positano, neither of us knowing what to say.
There was guilt and shame on both sides by this point – we’d done unspeakable things to each other. I will admit now, at the time, ALL I wanted was out. Paul was nowhere near ready for that.
It was another year plus a few weeks before he asked me for a divorce and by then, miraculously, we’d forgiven each other.
I will never regret staying in my marriage until Paul was ready to let me go …
But I also know it was over long before it ended …
Because sitting on the beach in Positano it occurred to me:
It never really began.
I think you need to elaborate on this…
you were married for so long, had children…
how can this be?
There are so many different kinds of love, Evvie. All are real and valid, yes. But I didn’t love Paul in the way a woman should love the man who is her husband. He was my best friend and I will always treasure what we had, but married love should be more than that. For me it has to be more than that …
I married Paul to keep me safe from myself. Wrong. Unfair. I was so young and so scared …